God speaks...

God speaks to me. Not in the skies parting, bushes burning way (although sometimes I wish it could be that simple)and sometimes He has to speak a little slower and a lot louder so I will hear it but nevertheless He speaks. As a Christian, I truly love those moments. Those moments when I hear His still quiet voice guiding me or answering a prayer or maybe in a moment of conviction in letting me know of something I should or should not be doing. I often wonder what it must have been like to walk in the days of Jesus. To hear Him speak and offer counsel and advice like those we often seek from our friends. When I struggle with difficult moments in my life and when I am in the middle of a storm I find myself asking God most of all what is the big picture? Oh how I wish He could come sit beside me on the couch and tell me why things are happening the way they are. But I take great comfort in knowing that He truly sees what I can not. If there is one thing, one lesson, I have learned repeatedly in my Christian walk is that God sees the big picture. He has shown it to me time and again. When things happen and I am experiencing so much hurt, He will find a way to let me know in that gentle, grace filled manner only He has that I am not in control. Boy does that stink sometimes. It is hard for me to relinquish control on my life. To truly give Him the burdens of my heart. And the crazy thing about it is I know that if I would just do it He would give me rest as the Bible says because His yoke is easy and His burden is light. My prayer for my heart now is to find contentment. Contentment in the blessings I have. In all the wonderous things He has given me. I will not stop praying for my desires of my heart but I will ask God to give me contentment until He sees fit to reveal the big picture. Until that time comes, I will continue to take time to slow down and listen and wait for Him to speak to me. And I will keep one eye on the skies and bushes because you never know...

CHECK THIS OUT!

A friend sent me this from youtube and you have to check it out. Really puts things in perspective. Have some tissue handy though. It made me realize that God can use and change anyone. He is an awesome God!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvDDc5RB6FQ

Infertility is not contagious...I promise

I have always loved kids. I loved babysitting when I was a kid. I knew my career would one day center around kids and I could not wait to be a mommy. Then I met Mike and I have to say I could really go on here about how I blessed I am to have him. I didn't have the best of childhoods and he is truly a gift from God. My light sent to me at a dark time. I could go on about how good a provider he is, how hard he works, how hot he is :), and how I knew he was going to be a great father. And then infertility hit. It came out of now where in the form of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and it has completely changed my life. We had to start trying for a family right away even though we had only been married a year and in the almost ten years since we have done truly every fertility treatment option there is. I remember when my friends started trying to have kids and it would take them a few months to get pregnant and you could just tell that they were thinking that maybe they were going to end up like me. Were they going to catch that dreaded disease of infertility that Jamie has? I felt like I needed a scarlet "I" to wear around to let even know I had it but that they couldn't catch it. Infertility has wrecked havoc on my realtionship with God and that is what has made me the saddest. I don't know how to give up on my heart's desire to be pregnant. I couldn't care less about genetics I just want to experience what it's like to be pregnant. I have the hardest time giving this burden over to Him. When we adopted Riley, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God had a hand in it. She was meant to be ours. I thank God for her every single day. Since then, it has just been hard. Four times we have done invitro and four times it hasn't worked out for one reason or another. So, I keep wondering why it was so easy to adopt Riley and this is so hard. But I can't change how I feel and that I desire more children. UGh! I feel like my whole basis for my relationship with God now is whether or not this prayer will be answered. Has anyone else faced struggles like this with their relationship with God? Any advice on how to get past this wall I built and just can't seem to tear back down. Above all, I want my realtionship with Christ to be what it once was and to not let this infertility consume my life. Well, enough random venting for tonight!