A Time to Remember

Yesterday was a time to remember. It was the one year anniversary of the day Mike and I found out our baby had no heartbeat. It was a sad day. Sad for my human self that I didn't get to carry that baby girl full term and for the fact that we didn't get to love her like we wanted to and for not being able to see Riley be the big sister she so wants to be. But it was a nice time for remembering too. For knowing that because I have received the gift of salvation I will see my baby girl in Heaven again one day.
To celebrate the day, Mike, Riley, and I bought pink balloons and released them. We gathered in the front yard (I'm sure the neighbors thought we were nuts), said a prayer, and watched those balloons soar into the sky. Mike said he felt like she knew we were thinking about her at that moment. It comforts me to think that too.
I think sadness is an acceptable emotion. I think it's ok to allow yourself to feel that grief for a time. I told Mike that yesterday we were sad but today, well it's a new day and hopefully it will be better.
Riley asked me the other day what Heaven will be like. I told her I wasn't sure but that I knew it was a wonderful place with big houses and streets of gold. She asked me "How are we going to get those new bodies anyway?" I told her I wasn't sure but that I was positive when I got to Heaven I was going to be skinny! Sometimes her innocence is the great comic relief I need. She is such a deep little thinker.
I am so thankful for a God that comforts and shares my joys and sorrows. I am thankful for the strength I have and I hope that the journey God has led me on will somehow be a help to others.

Where do I go from here?

For over nine years Mike and I have been trying to start/have/add to our family. It's started one year after we were married when I was diagnosed with PCOS and has continued off and on over the years until November 11. We found out on that date that our final in vitro did not work. My heart is broken. But at the same time I can not explain to you the relief that I feel to know that that chapter is closed. I will never have to take another shot or feel the embarrassment of so many stirrup visits. I won't miss it. But how do you put to rest a dream you've carried your whole life. Now, I KNOW that I am blessed. I know that God granted me a miracle the day the orphanage workers placed Riley into my arms. I know that I am blessed because I have a husband who loves me dearly no matter if my ovaries work properly or not. And I have said it before and I will say it again, I could care less about genetics. I just wanted to have the experience of being pregnant. Of feeling that baby kick, of getting those ultrasounds, yes even labor. The ache is still here. I wanted Riley to get the opportunity to be a big sister. She would have been such a good one. So, where do I go from here? I thanked God for answering my prayer even if it wasn't the answer I was hoping for. Because, I know, as He has shown me time and again that God sees what I can't see. My friend, Jenny, talks about Heaven eyes alot. Man, what I wouldn't give to have some sometimes. Maybe even some temporary contacts for a little bit. But I guess that is where the faith part comes in huh. I made a decision a long time ago that no matter what happens in this journey that I would love God anyway. And even though it's hard sometimes, I will and I do. But sometimes I question why this is my lot in life. But then I look at Riley and I know that she was part of God's plan for my life. One of the very best parts. A true gift. I am starting to realize, yet again, that maybe the process isn't as important as the end result. So, we are prayerfully seeking to adopt again. It's gone up quite a bit in price since we adopted Riley so that creates a problem but we are praying for other windows to open as well. And because my best friend Tina keeps reminding me, we continue to pray for the desires of our heart. That we will have another child. That Riley will be a big sister. However God sees fit. I will keep you updated on our journey. I have to be better about updating. Not that you are waiting on pins and needles for my next blog but it's therapy nonetheless.

God speaks...

God speaks to me. Not in the skies parting, bushes burning way (although sometimes I wish it could be that simple)and sometimes He has to speak a little slower and a lot louder so I will hear it but nevertheless He speaks. As a Christian, I truly love those moments. Those moments when I hear His still quiet voice guiding me or answering a prayer or maybe in a moment of conviction in letting me know of something I should or should not be doing. I often wonder what it must have been like to walk in the days of Jesus. To hear Him speak and offer counsel and advice like those we often seek from our friends. When I struggle with difficult moments in my life and when I am in the middle of a storm I find myself asking God most of all what is the big picture? Oh how I wish He could come sit beside me on the couch and tell me why things are happening the way they are. But I take great comfort in knowing that He truly sees what I can not. If there is one thing, one lesson, I have learned repeatedly in my Christian walk is that God sees the big picture. He has shown it to me time and again. When things happen and I am experiencing so much hurt, He will find a way to let me know in that gentle, grace filled manner only He has that I am not in control. Boy does that stink sometimes. It is hard for me to relinquish control on my life. To truly give Him the burdens of my heart. And the crazy thing about it is I know that if I would just do it He would give me rest as the Bible says because His yoke is easy and His burden is light. My prayer for my heart now is to find contentment. Contentment in the blessings I have. In all the wonderous things He has given me. I will not stop praying for my desires of my heart but I will ask God to give me contentment until He sees fit to reveal the big picture. Until that time comes, I will continue to take time to slow down and listen and wait for Him to speak to me. And I will keep one eye on the skies and bushes because you never know...

CHECK THIS OUT!

A friend sent me this from youtube and you have to check it out. Really puts things in perspective. Have some tissue handy though. It made me realize that God can use and change anyone. He is an awesome God!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvDDc5RB6FQ

Infertility is not contagious...I promise

I have always loved kids. I loved babysitting when I was a kid. I knew my career would one day center around kids and I could not wait to be a mommy. Then I met Mike and I have to say I could really go on here about how I blessed I am to have him. I didn't have the best of childhoods and he is truly a gift from God. My light sent to me at a dark time. I could go on about how good a provider he is, how hard he works, how hot he is :), and how I knew he was going to be a great father. And then infertility hit. It came out of now where in the form of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and it has completely changed my life. We had to start trying for a family right away even though we had only been married a year and in the almost ten years since we have done truly every fertility treatment option there is. I remember when my friends started trying to have kids and it would take them a few months to get pregnant and you could just tell that they were thinking that maybe they were going to end up like me. Were they going to catch that dreaded disease of infertility that Jamie has? I felt like I needed a scarlet "I" to wear around to let even know I had it but that they couldn't catch it. Infertility has wrecked havoc on my realtionship with God and that is what has made me the saddest. I don't know how to give up on my heart's desire to be pregnant. I couldn't care less about genetics I just want to experience what it's like to be pregnant. I have the hardest time giving this burden over to Him. When we adopted Riley, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God had a hand in it. She was meant to be ours. I thank God for her every single day. Since then, it has just been hard. Four times we have done invitro and four times it hasn't worked out for one reason or another. So, I keep wondering why it was so easy to adopt Riley and this is so hard. But I can't change how I feel and that I desire more children. UGh! I feel like my whole basis for my relationship with God now is whether or not this prayer will be answered. Has anyone else faced struggles like this with their relationship with God? Any advice on how to get past this wall I built and just can't seem to tear back down. Above all, I want my realtionship with Christ to be what it once was and to not let this infertility consume my life. Well, enough random venting for tonight!

Mom

My mom and I were never really particularly close. Truth be told I had and still have some serious mom issues. My mom was never really the mothering type and I spent a lot of time grieving for the type of mother I wanted to have. But as I got older I learned to appreciate my mom for the good things about her. My mom was funny. She had a great wit about her and she could really get down with some good ole poot humor. Shopping with her was an experience. I learned never to walk behind her in an aisle and if she left you in a hurry you better run. My mom was a good friend. When I got my heart broken for the first time, my mom offered comfort, words of advice, and a hug. That was hard for her. Affection did not come easily but she knew I needed her and she was there. Not judgemental or overly lovey just there. Today marks the anniversary of the last time I spoke to my mother. It was at Riley's birthday party last year and if I stand in the drive way and really close my eyes I can replay the scene in my head. It wasn't anything remarkable. If it weren't marked at significant for the reason it is I probably would not even remember it. But I do. I remember thinkin how tired she looked. How weird it was to see her interact with my dad. How glad I was that she was there to celebrate with Riley. How it still makes me laugh to hear Riley refer to her as "Smokin Mema." I can also remember being mad at her a few days later. The day before she died to be exact. She did not make it to Riley's dance recital and it hurt my feelings. I complained about her and talked about how undependable she could be. I remember my dad telling me that no matter what she was my mom and I needed to be nice. I shrugged him off with the typical Yeah ok Dad remark. I remember trying to call her later to ask a simple question and not getting her on the phone. Oh how many times have I wished since then that she would have answered. I'm sure the conversation would not have been anything special but still I like to think in my fairy tale world that we would have cleared all the left over hurts, unspoken I love you's, and any future advice in the time it took for me to ask her about when the farmer's market closed so I could get some Vidalia Onions. Profound I know. I remember going into the hospital room after she died and seeing her lying there. As cliche as it sounds she really did look like she was sleeping. I remember being so overcome with sadness at the realization that my mom could not fully give love to others because she did not love herself. No matter how much I wish she would have she just didn't. That was a life changing moment for me.
In the days and months since my mom died I have truly missed her. I could not have missed her more than when Mike and I had our miscarriage in December. I wanted so badly for her to make me feel better with her humor and silly remarks. It wasn't until later that I realized that my mom was providing me with great comfort in the image of her in heaven holding my daughter. I look forward to seeing them again one day. I'm sure we'll laugh, hug, and mom might even poot and blame it on the baby.
Until that time, I see little bits of her in me. Oh, sometimes it kills me to admit that. Mostly it's in the little things. Like this certain noise she would make when she was annoyed or exasperated. When I first did it, I swear it was freaky how much it sounded like her. I have her hands. I see them especially when I stroke my daughter's hair and tell her I love her. And that one day soon, we'll see Smokin Mema and baby sister in Heaven one day.

Does Self-Acceptance Come in Pill Form?

Most of the time I am ok with my Chunky Puddin' status. I mean, do I secretly wish for flat abs, thighs that don't jiggle, and a hiney that doesn't look like it got caught in a hail storm? Of course, but I also have learned to recognize the good things about me. I have great eyes, nice hair, strong legs, and a wicked sense of humor. But there are those days when I allow myself to head to that abyss-the place I hate. Where I overanalyze everything about myself and wish for the millionth time that I did not love chocolate as much as I do and convince myself that I really could learn to love eating nothing but salads and air. The place where society and it's perception of beauty and what is acceptable creep into my mind and make me doubt my fabulousness. But then I remind myself that I am blessed. I am a child of the King. I have a husband who loves me and a child who tells me every day that I am beautiful. And I remind myself that even Kate Beckensale with all her hotness has problems. No one is perfect. And when I am really down in the dumps, I put on the song "Big, Blond, and Beautiful" from Hairspray. That song is my mantra people. I love the line "who needs a twig when you can climb a whole tree." When I hear that song I am reminded that should Patrick Dempsey ever come my way, I will totally dazzle him with my great eyes, a flip of my hair, and my radiant smile. That McDreamy and his smile. :) Where was I? Oh, yeah. What I want for Riley is for her to define her own beauty. And not in what size her low rise jeans are or how "hot" she can look in a bikini. But in her kindness, in her tolerance of people and their differences, and in her love of God. But I am guilty of the opposite too. I mean when I first met Mike it wasn't only his personality that attracted me to him. We are visual creatures. I guess what I strive for, what I want for Riley, is to find comfort in my own skin. Is there a pill I can take for that?

Here's My Debut!

Well, Here it is my grand debut into the world of blogging. I think I will think of it as an electronic diary (only with lots of strangers reading it instead of only my mother). I never thought I was an interesting enough person to have a blog. I kind of put them along the lines of celebrities with their own websites and paparazzi complete with lack of good judgement and remembering to wear underwear. Ahhh, dear Britney what I could say to you. But that is another blog right? This one's about me right. That's one thing about me. I sometimes have a tendancy to ramble and stray from topic. You might have to remind me about that. What will my blogs be about you ask? I mean I live in small town Georgia, I teach second grade, I am married, I am a parent, and I have traveled the road of infertility. That is months and months of blogs right there people (Not mention a medal of honor for bravery for those fertility treatments. I could tell you things that would curl your toes and I probably will at some point!) I can regal you with the exhiliarating stories about my students, my preschooler, my charming husband, my trips to Walmart, my destiny with Patrick Dempsey....oh sorry there I go again. Must not think about Grey's Anatomy and blog at same time. Anyways, welcome to my life people. Feel free to drop in a tell me what you think of it! Until next time.....